Google and Guinea Pig Noises.

We’ve all been there. Googled a symptom. Don’t deny it. Things like:

·      Red bump on fourth finger

·      Recurring itchy bicep

·      Hair loss only on right side of head

·      Left pupil slightly smaller than right

·      Clicking sound in kneecap

·      Urine slightly green

·      Twitch in lip on Mondays

And these are the Google diagnoses:

• ·      Red bump on fourth finger: Fourth Finger cancer; death
• Recurring itchy bicep: Bicep cancer; death
• ·      Hair loss only on right side of head: Hair follicle cancer; death
• ·      Left pupil slightly smaller than right: Imminent blindness; Pupil cancer; death
• ·      Clicking sound in kneecap: Kneecap amputation; Kneecap cancer; death
• ·      Urine slightly green: Multiple organ failure; Bladder cancer; death
• ·      Twitch in lip on Mondays: Lip cancer; death

These are of course supported by the ‘Comments’ section underneath each diagnosis:

Phil, 48 (Sussex): My lip was always twitching on a Monday and I ignored it. Now I’ve got no lips, can only eat fluids and have got 2 days to live.

Sandra, 26 (Glasgow): I noticed that my bicep was getting more and more itchy. It turned out that a poisonous foreign spider had laid its eggs in my arm. Now I’ve only got half a bicep and the doctor says I may one day wake up with a strong penchant for flies.

But no matter how far fetched the comments or suggestions are, you find a way to convince yourself that this is what is happening to you, as follows…

Well my arm has been really itchy. And I did go to America last year and go for a walk in that forest where there must have been spiders… and I DID get bitten on my arm. Shit. Maybe I got bitten by a spider. But that doesn’t necessarily mean there are spider eggs in my arm…. But I did read in my nans Take a Break magazine about that woman who got bitten by a spider and the spider injected the eggs into her through a super spider egg tube and she didn’t even know….. Come to think of it, I can feel a little lump where it’s been itchy…. Maybe that’s the egg sac.

Then this festers for a few days until you have utterly convinced yourself that this is categorically what has happened and you must therefore go to the doctors.

And thus ensues the awkward conversation with the doctor whereby he is CLEARLY not doing his job correctly by even CONSIDERING the possibility of a spider egg sac in your arm. I mean sure, he’s had 7 years training and multiple years experience in the field, but you have put in a solid 4 hours on netdoctor and webmd, so clearly have the upper hand. So you basically have to do his job for him and very subtly suggest/ask whether it could be a spider egg sac in your arm causing the problem. Then he comes back at you with some logical, realistic, objective, medically sound response and you feel like an absolute plank. Then just before you leave, he very politely makes a joke about not googling symptoms on the internet as you quickly push the Google print-outs you brought deeper into your pocket.

NOW imagine that you have a vulnerable little person that you care about far more than yourself or any living thing on the planet and that you are solely responsible for.

And imagine the games that Google can play with you now.

The thing is, if you’re like me, you know jack squat about babies. They are like squirmy alien creatures to you. There is no logic, reason or predictability. And these are 3 things that I love and thrive upon.

You THINK you’re prepared for one because you’ve read the baby books, been to antenatal classes and spoken to your Friends With Children. You think you’re prepared for one because ‘how hard can it really be?’. You think you’re prepared for one because you’ve successfully raised 4 hamsters, 3 cats and 17 goldfish in your lifetime. You think you’re prepared for one because you are 2 relatively well-educated individuals that are pretty good at solving a problem.

THEN….. 9 months later….  The Baby makes a noise like a guinea pig when she sleeps.

You can basically hear your degree, your baby books, your 4 hamsters, 3 cats and 17 goldfish laughing in your face.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Is this normal? Does she have a breathing problem? Is something restricting her airway? Has she been born with only one lung? Is she getting enough oxygen into her body? Is she allergic to the air? WHAT IF SHE IS ALWAYS GOING TO SOUND LIKE A GUINEA PIG AND HAS TO ENDURE A LIFETIME OF BULLYING?

This shit was not in your baby book or your antenatal class.

Enter Google.

….. ‘newborn baby making guinea pig noises when sleeping’……

Categorically, the first four sites will be concocted of the following:

• ·      BabyCentre
• ·      netmums
• ·      MumsNet
• ·      Whattoexpect

And if you’re extra lucky..

·     

• Yahoo Answers

Now don’t get me wrong, the first four sites have their moments of genuine usefulness. But holy god above the threads from the discussion forums are the work of Satan.

Literally whatever thread you click on, there will be a variant of each of the following responses:

• ·      Perfectly normal (BreezyBev1966)
• ·      Probably ok, but best to talk to your GP (MaybeBaby23)
• ·      Will happen forever (NoSleepSuze44)
• ·      Will stop tomorrow (WorzelMummage)
• ·      I magically solved this problem by doing this (insert crazy method here) p.s. I am amazing (MumzRBest)
• ·      I had this problem and it turned out my child had a serious disorder… sure yours will be fine though. (LoopyMumsy)

Now bear in mind that when you are researching this point, the chances are that you are a hormonal whirlpool on the ‘high’ setting and haven’t slept for a significant period of time. So your brain makes the following conclusions…

• ·      Perfectly normal: Oh thank god **chuckles at self for even worrying about it**

**Please note… you could stop reading here, now that you’ve found out it is normal. But NOBODY does.

• ·      Probably ok, but best talk to your GP: **anxiety pang** Well if I should talk to my GP, that’s probably bad. Oh god there’s something wrong. I won’t be able to get an appointment for 2 days. By then something terrible might have happened.
• ·      Will happen forever: Oh my god. I will never be able to sleep again **panic**
• Will stop tomorrow: Feel hopeful. Then remember the previous two posts.
• ·      I magically solved this problem by doing this.. (insert crazy method here).. p.s. I’m awesome: Call The Man through and talk about how ‘it’s worth a try’. Send man to buy equipment for crazy method immediately. (p.s. it won’t work)
• ·      I had this problem and it turned out my child had a serious disorder… sure yours will be fine though: Nervously laugh at the ridiculousness of this comment, but secretly panic this is what’s happening to your baby. Google the serious disorder and play ‘Symptom Match.’ Find that you are able to match at least 2 other symptoms. Decide this means The Baby has the serious disorder.  Show The Man who laughs at your ridiculousness. (The Man secretly Googles it later to double check)

So what started as ‘my baby is making guinea pig noises when she sleeps’ ends in a diagnosis of multiple lifelong baby disorders, reflux, asthma and multiple queries over whether your baby is at the correct developmental stage, because babymutha from Mumsnet has a baby the same age who can cook his own dinner and is studying for an A Level in statistics already. (Don’t even get me started on the passive aggressive ‘my baby is better than yours’ threads).

Despite this… Despite knowing that Google only creates more problems than it solves… I have Googled approximately 473,665,000 baby questions in 5 months. Because quite a lot of the time, there is no one to ask these silly little questions and I don’t really know how you’re supposed to know the answers. Lots of people say ‘trust your instinct’… but unfortunately a lot of the time my ‘instinct’ tells me to ask Google. Or to eat biscuits.

At the end of the day, I suppose you do whatever you’ve got to do to make sure that squirmy little alien is ok.

p.s. Some of the things I have actually Googled since having a baby:

• ·      Is my baby too hot?
• ·      Is my baby too cold?
• ·      Baby making lots of noise when sleeping
• ·      Baby completely silent when sleeping
• ·      Is 9 poops a day normal?
• ·      Baby not pooped in 2 days
• ·      Crumbs in baby’s poop
• ·      Baby feeding 12 times per day
• ·      Baby only fed 4 times today
• ·      Baby seems to move right arm more than left
• ·      Will my baby be bald forever?
• ·      Can a baby be too fat?
• ·      1 month old baby not sleeping
• ·      2 month old baby not sleeping
• ·      3 month old baby not sleeping
• ·      4 month old baby not sleeping
• ·      5 month old baby not sleeping
• ·      How long until you die from sleep deprivation?