What I Did In The Holidays…

With The Man being off work for 6 glorious weeks, not only have I been able to pee alone and freely, but I have also felt compelled to try out more baby-related activities.

The Big Scream – Cinema City

SUMMARY: If you have a baby under 1, you can go to the cinema and see the current adult films and it doesn’t matter if your baby screams, shits, rubs rice cakes into the seats etc., because everyone in the room understands and is experiencing similar issues. You also get free tea, coffee and biscuits. DREAM.

What a bloody glorious idea. I love movies. The Man loves movies. We miss movies. Any movie we have watched in the last 8 months has been in no fewer than 7 parts, interspersed with trying to get The Baby to sleep, trying to get The Baby back to sleep, trying to keep ourselves awake during the film and trying to remember what happened in the last 6 parts, then just giving up. This is sad, because we used to LOVE movies.

Then I produced The Baby…. Who for this section will be referred to as The Foghorn. She is RIDICULOUSLY loud. She doesn’t really even cry that much… she is just LOUD.  She shouts at animate objects, inanimate objects, empty space, random old ladies, walls. Whilst doing so, she gesticulates wildly with her hands or pumps them in the air as though she is at an illegal rave.  It is not necessarily a short-lived shout either…. She can go for hours. Because of The Foghorn… I have been genuinely anxious about going to The Big Scream. Even though the whole idea is centred around not having to worry about the noise… The Foghorn truly does take it to the next level.

With The Man off work and Mission Impossible being shown.. we thought ‘fuck it’; packed up The Foghorn, some rice cakes and Boris Bear and gaily looked forward to actually being together in a cinema once again.

In short, this is what happened:

• ·      The Foghorn decided that she wanted to have a proper nap in her cot (AKA more than 30 minutes) on the day (specifically just before the film), because she could sense we were excited and wanted to screw it up by doing the thing we’ve been trying to get her to do for 8 months.
• ·      Arrived late.
• ·      Bought 2 mini Gnaw chocolate bars (Peanut Butter and Salted Caramel). JOY.
• ·      The Man maneuvered The Foghorn, The Chariot and himself up to the screen whilst I acquired 1x free Tea, 1x free Coffee, 1 x free Malted Milk (YES!) and 1 x free Bourbon (YES!)
• ·      Plenty of free seats and you could sit where you liked.
• ·      Lots of baby-related noise (Thank god)
• ·      Set up camp on a whole free row of seats.
• ·      The Foghorn completely enamoured with giant screen, colours and noises.
• ·      The Foghorn stood on our laps bouncing her bum on our chests with excitement, holding her arms up in the air in celebration for 90% of the film.
• ·      The Foghorn had a 30 minute nap in the sling. Next to a speaker while there was a really loud motorbike chase.
• ·      Despite watching the film through The Foghorn’s head and missing quite a crucial plot point so I wasn’t 100% sure who certain people were for most of the film… we watched a WHOLE film.
• ·      At one point, we even got to hold hands for a minute.
• ·      Another baby scream-cried through the whole thing, whereas The Foghorn only went off 3 times. Smug.
• ·      Loved it.

BlocTots – Highball Climbing Centre

SUMMARY: My brother, who wishes to be known as Terry Powerballs (a lean, climbing machine with tiny nipples who is single and ready to mingle) works at this pretty super climbing centre. During normal hours, it is full to the brim of lean climbing-types performing acrobatic feats to get to the top of multiple walls. Once a week they open their doors to babies and toddlers to enjoy a mini version of such activities, along with some baby staples such as tunnels, squidgy mats and wooden cars. There are also ridiculously good cakes and coffees. Plus it only costs £1. Epic.

Why sit on the floor of your own living room watching your baby chew stuff, when you can do it in a climbing warehouse whilst eating moist brownies? I also think it is character building for The Foghorn to have to fend off over-enthusiastic toddlers for an hour. Of course at the ripe old age of 8 months, The Foghorn can’t climb the mini climbing wall, but she tends to be quite happy sitting on a mat eating a wooden block, so I just go with it.

It is also a pleasant opportunity for Terry Powerballs to spend time with his niece. Historically an avid hater of babies, since acquiring one in his own bloodline, he has taken well to the role of Uncle. Unfortunately, this has brought with it a relatively aggressive and protective set of behaviours. These have included:

• ·      Shouting swear words at passing cars for driving too fast or too close to the pavement when pushing the pram.
• ·      Shouting ‘MIND MY BABY’ at innocent pedestrians if they walk too close to the pram. Or just happen to be near the pram. Or are not near the pram at all.
• ·      Openly criticizing the looks, behaviours, parents of other babies or small children. At times, to their faces.
• ·      Telling passing parents that ‘my baby is better than your baby’ whilst walking down the street with the pram.
• ·      Almost fronting up to any toddlers that come near the Foghorn whilst at the baby climbing group.

Despite this, he can display an excellent array of strange noises that keep The Foghorn amused for hours and doesn’t seem to mind the inordinate amount of drool that she deposits on him, whilst simultaneously and relentlessly pulling his glasses off his face.

Whilst this is all occurring, I can focus my attention fully on the moist brownie. What a morning.

Going to Quiet Country Pub Lunch with Important Work Colleagues

SUMMARY: Get over confident and smug with 2 x available parents to look after Foghorn. Decide it is an excellent idea and completely achievable to enjoy a calm pub lunch at v. middle class pub with important work colleagues.

Despite the 40 minute drive, providing 40 minutes worth of opportunity to nap prior to the event, Foghorn stayed awake for the first 39 minutes, then dozed off 1 minute prior to arrival at the pub. So The Man and said work colleagues sat in the glorious sun enjoying a beer. Meanwhile, I sat in the hot car, staring at a bush, awaiting nap completion. Luckily, my Squeezy app went off, so I was lucky enough to also enjoy some pelvic floor exercises.

Upon nap completion, Foghorn was in the worst mood ever. Threw smoked salmon from the middle class pub on the floor. Ate a leaf.

Good.