Sleep Deprivation, Salacious Crumb and Punching A Table.

I miss sleep. I mean, I knew I would miss sleep. But when I say I miss sleep… I MISS sleep. I fantasise about sleep a LOT. If there was sleep porn, I would watch it. Sometimes when I think back to dozy Saturday lay-ins, I actually have a little cry. Sometimes I wake up in the morning having already woken up about 8 times during the night, and it takes every ounce of my being to get out of bed. Then I have a little cry in the shower. If I have a shower. If not, I just have a little cry whilst changing The Baby’s nappy. Then wonder if seeing me cry might in some way hinder The Baby’s emotional development, so try to joyfully sing some sort of twinkly baby tune through the tears; even though this must look all the more terrifying.

When I get into bed at night, I stretch out like a giant starfish and the feeling of the lovely bed sheets and the pillow feels as though I am swimming in some sort of delicious heaven. If me getting into bed were a movie, it would have the same backing music as you get in a romantic comedy, when the two lovers finally get together at the end after a tumultuous journey. Lots of strings and triumphant melodies.

Whereas me getting up in the morning would be accompanied by sound bites from Saw.

In fact, I am frequently so sleep deprived that over time, I seem to have developed an alternative personality that The Man and I have called Angry Night Alice. She only comes out at night and looks like Salacious Crumb from Return of the Jedi:  

Angry Night Alice

Part of the excitement (particularly for The Man), is that she doesn’t come out every night… just sporadically. She is a TREAT. Angry Night Alice is angry, mean, very dramatic, has a tendency to catastrophise and does not have a GSOH. Please see table below for an insight into life with Angry Night Alice:

Tiny baby-related nighttime incident	Angry Night Alice Response
Bit of milk leakage requiring change of top. Man offers to locate new top whilst I feed.	‘I’ll get it. JUST LEAVE IT. I know where it is. I WILL GET IT. Just go back to sleep.’
Man lying on his own arm in awkward position whilst asleep.	At similar volume to a foghorn: ‘MOVE YOUR ARM!’ (turn over, go to sleep)
Baby wakes up.	‘This is fucking ridiculous. We can’t carry on like this.’
Baby wakes up.	‘Seriously, I don’t care what anyone says, this is not normal. There is something wrong with her. There must be something wrong with her.’
Baby doesn’t seem to like swaddle anymore	‘So everything we have done up to this point has basically been a complete waste of time. Good times.’ **Large sigh**
Without swaddle, baby wakes herself up a bit with crazy flailing hands.	‘This is ridiculous. Great. Well, buckle up, because everything is about to get even shitter.’
Man suggests I sleep in spare room for one night to catch up on sleep a bit.	‘So basically we’re never going to sleep in the same room ever again? Well that’s great. What a solution.’
Baby is sort of jiffling and grunting. I say ‘Do you think she is hungry?’ Man says ‘I’m not sure’	‘Well that’s great. Thanks for all your help. You’re just laying there doing nothing.’
The Man offers to take The Baby out for a walk first thing in the morning so I can have a bit of a lay in.	‘Why are you always trying to take my baby away from me?’

In the morning, I tend to have very little recollection of these incidents. The Man however, is genuinely scarred.

You see, being that sleep deprived changes you. Sleep deprivation is now banned as a form of torture. There is a reason for that. My tolerance levels have dangerously plummeted. Here is a list of things I have done since being sleep deprived that I would categorically NEVER have done before:

• ·      Shouted at a lady for parking outside my house to go to work at the hospital opposite. I even researched the legalities of it so I had facts to back up my argument.
• ·      Basically fronted up an old lady who was (in my eyes) deliberately taking up the whole path with her old lady trolley so I couldn’t walk fast enough with the pram to get The Baby to sleep. (The Baby will only sleep beyond a certain pram speed).
• ·      Had this exchange with a lady in front of me in the queue at the Chemist who couldn’t decide between 2 medicines that were EXACTLY THE SAME:

Me: **Sigh**

Me: **Loud Sigh**

Lady: Looks behind at me

Me: ‘Seriously, just choose one of the medicines’

Lady: ‘Oh.. sorry’

Lady’s Husband: ‘I’m not sure that was necessary’

Me: ‘Well it clearly was. Some of us have got things to do with our lives.’

I still feel terrible about this.

• ·      Openly cried whilst walking down the street because I just want to go to sleep.
• ·      Eaten a whole, seriously out of date Yule Log with my hands because I ran out of biscuits. (To be fair.. I probably would have done this before)
• ·      Followed a man down the street to give him back the pizza menu he posted through my door and told him never to post anything through my door again. (The amount of junk mail we get is beyond a joke)
• ·      Washed my hair with shower gel and washed my body with shampoo. Twice.
• ·      Googled ‘how long until you die from not enough sleep’
• ·      Spoken to The Man on the phone and told him that he doesn’t need to rush home because I am absolutely fine. 5 minutes later phoned him in a hysterical state because I was lying before (trying to be a good mother), informing him if he doesn’t get home within half an hour, I am probably going to jump out of a window.
• ·      Punched a table.
• ·      Slept for 5 hours straight and felt like I could TAKE ON THE WORLD!!!! WOOHOOOOO!!!

Regardless of how tired I am though, I still wake up approximately every 20 minutes to check The Baby is still breathing. Because she fricking rocks.