Is it normal to have a little
cry quite frequently? Like.. most days?! Not an eye-bloating all out sob-like
cry. But just a few tears. I’m just so FREAKING tired. And sometimes I can
handle the tired. I’ll have had the best part of 3 hours sleep and feel quite
sprightly. But sometimes I will feel like a bag of crap. And the bag isn’t even
a nice bag. And the crap is the really pungent, slightly grey kind. With barely
enough energy to lift my own body upright, let alone to drag an 18lb baby with
accompanying pram, car seat, changing bag etc. around the place and be a
performing monkey for every second that god sends. So I have a little tear or
5.
I also sometimes just feel
quite lonely. I have lots of people I could go and see or people that could
come and visit. But when I’m tired and have less energy than the 36 stone
woman, I just can’t bring myself to figure it out around naps and feeding. It’s
like some sort of fucking Sudoku puzzle. You have all this shit (sometimes
literally) to fit in, in a very specific pattern and you have to plan and pack
for all eventualities and it is fucking exhausting and bollocks. Plus I
realized the other day, I’ve become THAT FRIEND. You know… the friend with the
small child who is listening to you.. but not really listening to you. Because
they are thinking about their small child. Or watching their small child out of
the corner of their eye. Or wondering if their small child is about to wake up
or kick off. That friend who constantly has the ‘child-glaze’. That distant
look in their eye. Oh sure.. they are looking at you and nodding in the
appropriate places… but they aren’t actually part of the conversation. I DON’T
WANT TO BE THAT PERSON!!! I want to give my friends the focus they truly
deserve. I want to get neck deep into a juicy, ripe gossip-fest and be
judgmental about people who don’t really deserve it! I want to be committed to
these conversations and not have to be simultaneously rock a pram like a crazy
woman or shift my giant baby around like she is performing a private gymnastic
showcase because she has the attention span of a flea. And sometimes.. that
makes me feel sad. I actually find it quite stressful. So on the tired days
(and let’s be honest.. most of the non-tired days).. I just find it easier to
stay at home rather than make the effort.
On the upside… I have now
watched so many ‘Place in the Sun’ programmes that I am essentially a qualified
house-finder. No, seriously… I know my shit. Restoration projects… house taxes
abroad… the never-ending problem of the house-space to amount-of-land ratio… I
can hook you up with your perfect property. In fact, I would say that me and
Jasmin Harman are basically best friends now. Sometimes during the part where
the couple are looking round the house by themselves and Jasmine is talking to
the camera by herself in a ‘secret’ kind of way… I pretend that she is having
the secret conversation with me and talk back to her. And we almost always
agree with each other. I also have about an 87% success rate on guessing whether
they are going to choose ‘home’ or ‘away’. Skillz.
I’ve never been a person good
in my own company though. I like talking to people and laughing with people and
bantering until the cows come home. So yesterday, I found myself lying on the
living room rug with my cat, reminiscing with her about ‘the old days’ and
shedding a few tears. When I say ‘with her’.. she was just interested in
licking her bum crack. I made up her responses in my head. What a fucking
winner.
p.s. Some other reasons I
have a little cry include: having to climb the stairs because The Baby woke up,
running out of biscuits, remembering what it was like to go out for dinner,
remembering what it was like to have taut stomach muscles, running out of cake,
realising The Baby is not going to nap and therefore the rest of the day will
be a disaster, remembering what it was like to order clothes from ASOS 4 times
a week, missing The Man, Escape to the Country being replaced by some shit
history programme, looking at The Baby’s little feet and loving them more than
is normal for anyone to love feet.
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