Why do you always shit during nap time?

Dear The Baby,

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SHIT DURING NAP TIME?????? 

Why….. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY do you wait until I have devoted every millimetre of my sanity to getting you to sleep in your cot… fall asleep for 10 minutes.. THEN do a shit??? This situation would not be a problem if your poo ever so gently slid out of your bottom like a gentle breeze on a summers day. But it doesn’t. In order to reach poo-completion, you must perform a 10 minute overture of heaving sounds. This must apparently be accompanied by raising both legs up as high as you can and then slamming them down as hard as you can. THEN.. the poo arrives in very distinct stages. Not all at once.

Stage 1: A Fruitful Fart. During this stage, there are very clear fart sounds and the possibility of a follow through. Never can be certain though.

Stage 2: The Main Event. A very, very clear waterfall can be heard being ejected from your bottom. This is normally accompanied by a look of dedicated focus and concentration in your eyes.

It is at this stage I assume it is complete and change your nappy in a calm and sleep-inducing way in order to assist you in getting back to sleep upon return to your cot. (Or if we’re honest.. to ensure I get at least 20 minutes to myself so I can do my own poo. Not pleasant I know… but true).

Stage 3: The After-Poo. Clean nappy… calm in cot… One last giant heave with accompanying mustard gift. This stage wakes you up and you decide you’ve had enough of being calm in your cot, nap time is over and you wish to get up and spend the rest of the day being over tired and grumpy.

I just wanted to make you aware that I am MORE than happy for you to shit at other times during the day. I would welcome this. Also…. If Stage 3 is going to properly wake you up.. don’t wait for me to shhhh you back to sleep, pretend you are asleep, then as soon as I get downstairs wake up again. Because this makes mummy want to smash her head against a wall repeatedly. Just be open with me at the outset.

And if you don’t want to do it for me.. then think about Ewan the Dream Sheep. He works really hard getting you to sleep with his gentle white noise and glowing red belly. Then you just throw it back in his face. I’ve seen how upset he gets with such little job satisfaction. Something to think about.

Must stop writing.. you’ve just woken up (surprise). 

Love,

The Mum

p.s. when you’ve woken up from a nap and I walk in the room to a massive smile and an excited squeal… it is literally one of my favourite things ever.